Lamenting that leads to giving thanks

"One act of thanksgiving, when things go wrong with us,

is worth a thousand thanks when things are 

agreeable to our inclinations."

-St. John of Avila

A little over a year ago, I read Ann Voskamp's book, One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are. Her book has had a profound impact on me and I keep going back to some of the truths she shares in it. Its all about the christian learning what eucharisteo, or giving thanks, really means, and letting a life become transformed by the acts of doing it over and over. Paul tells us to give thanks in all situations (Eph 5:20), but really, how can we do it? All situations?

But I've been practicing. Making lists of my thanks and speaking them out loud too. And I tell you, this is one of the ways Christ is turning my heart toward Him over and over again. The simple act of giving thanks in all things.

A few weeks ago we learned that I was pregnant. This news came as a surprise and a joy. 

Here we thought, once again, we would be filling out adoption paperwork, and instead,

a different but equally beautiful gift had been given. We opened our hands and received it-

with hearts full of hope. We gave thanks!

And then Tuesday, I began to bleed. I worried and wondered and remembered the anguish of losing my first baby all those years ago, before I had ever met him.

By Wednesday afternoon, my fears were realized and this one too left to return to her Creator.

We were all heartbroken.

My lamenting began. I was left with all my pregnancy hormones raging, the cramping and bleeding to remind me of my grief, and I wondered what does all this mean? Why Lord? Why did you give me another life only to take it from me? And how can I give thanks now?

Lament: a passionate expression of grief

David lamented over and over in the Psalms, and Christ himself lamented on the cross.

Why have You forsaken me Father?

And eventually I realized in between tears, that this lamenting was good and purposeful. It was leading me to a place of laying this sorrow down as thanksgiving.

"Because the eucharisteo is how Jesus, at the Last Supper, showed us to transfigure all things-take the pain that is given, give thanks for it, and transform it into a joy that fulfills all emptiness.....This is the hard eucharisteo....The hard discipline to give thanks for all things at all times because He is all good." A. Voskamp One Thousand Gifts

Job knew this well when he said, "the Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; 

blessed be the name of the Lord." (Job 1:21)

Can I trust that though I may never know the whys, my God is caring for me, even now, even in this?

That He is good and that all things are for me good? Yes, I believe I can. I believe this is grace.

Thank you Lord. You gave me life. You took it. Blessed be Your name.

This post is linked to Gracelaced Mondays. Where we seek to find grace in the every day...